In tonight’s study, Jesus The One and Only, I had to look at parts of Psalm 107, which struck home for me. The subject of Psalm 107 is “Thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love”. The verses that I had to read were 10-16:
“Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom, prisoners suffering in iron chains, for they had rebelled against the words of God and despised the counsel of the Most High. So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled and there was no one to help. Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men, for he breaks down gates of bronze and cuts through bars of iron.”
Though I don’t believe I despised the counsel of the Most High, my ears were definitely closed to it, and I did rebel against the words of God. I didn’t have time for God. There were times I would get asked to go to church, and I had a standing open invitation to go, but I never wanted to. I used to go to church, but had stopped going a long time ago. I wanted to do my own thing.
But there was one time I had to go to church–when I went to go visit my parents back in November. And I really didn’t want to go, and I tried not to show it.
Then, in the service, I tried to feel something. I really did try. But I felt nothing where before there was always something. But I hadn’t been to church in maybe two to three years. And during those years, little by little my back was turning on God. He would try to talk to me, but I started to try to justify what I was doing. Eventually, wrong seemed right–it seemed okay. And God’s voice became fainter and fainter–until I didn’t hear Him anymore. Soon enough, I didn’t notice Him anymore, but I grew okay with that.
Well, we walked into the church building back in November, and I was uneasy. I felt like I shouldn’t be there; that I didn’t belong. But I continued on. During the service, I didn’t feel anything, even though I tried. I tried to hear Him. I tried to feel His presence, because when I used to go to church, I would feel these things.
But there was nothing. I felt nothing at all. After the service, I became upset–mad, angry, but not at anyone in particular. I just wanted to get out of church as soon as possible. Once we were outside of the building, I felt better.
However, the way I acted mad afterward and the way I felt nothing scared me badly.
I was scared. Scared because acting upset wasn’t like me. Feeling nothing at all wasn’t like me.
And I felt right then that God was far away and that He couldn’t hear me. But I knew deep down He was right there. But I couldn’t hear Him, either.
Even though this scared me, I didn’t do anything about it. I still continued doing what I was doing, but the seed had been planted.
And it started to grow.
I started to miss Him. I started to miss His presence.
I started to seek Him.
I started writing this blog, which was something He wanted me to do long ago.
And eventually, I started to come out of the darkness. There were many times I failed, many times I fell, and I still do, just not as much. Until the post “When It All Comes Together”, and until I started doing the study and reading the Bible is when I came completely out of the darkness.
The post “A Simple Letter” is my plea and commitment to God.
I know I will still sin. I know I will stumble. But I choose to keep my eyes on God, on Jesus. God’s grace is over me. I will repent–heartfelt, true, on my knees. I will commit that sin no longer. And I will become stronger in the Lord, stronger in my Faith, and I will learn to spot temptations sooner.
“For the joy of the Lord is my strength” (Nehemiah 8:10). And I yearn to be pleasing in the eyes of both God and Jesus.
So I want to Thank You God, for loving me. Thank You God, for bringing me out of the darkness. Thank You for the seed planted inside me. Thank You for seeing me.
I love you Lord, with all my heart, soul, and mind.
In Jesus’ most precious name, Amen.
“My sweet child. I love to call you Mine. Go and sin no more. Be my servant and spread my Word to the nations”
Yes Lord. Forever Yes. Thank You for your Son, Lord. There are no words to properly express my gratitude, so I will just lift up my hands in supplication and perfect obedience to You.